


Say You Want Me

by Amikotsu



Series: Childhood [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Acceptance, Awkward Sexual Situations, Childhood, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Falling In Love, Forgiveness, Friends to Enemies, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Implied/Referenced Suicide, KakaObi Week 2020, Loss, Loss of Virginity, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Missing in Action, Recovery, Sad and Happy, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-19 03:21:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22871044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amikotsu/pseuds/Amikotsu
Summary: After Rin's death, Kakashi wakes up in the hospital. He finds Obito at his bedside, and he decides that things could be a lot worse. They navigate their lives together, trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Love and loss just might kill them.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Uchiha Obito, Hatake Kakashi/Uchiha Obito
Series: Childhood [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1643992
Comments: 8
Kudos: 198
Collections: KakaObi Week 2020





	1. Twelve.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Childhood
> 
> Kakashi's POV. This is a continuation of Stop Holding Your Tongue. Please, please read the tags. It's mature for a reason!

_He's twelve when he wakes up and love almost squeezes the life out of him._

"Those roses were for you."

Kakashi stares at Obito for so long that he sees the progression from hesitation to relief to doubt to surrender. He remembers how it feels to shove his hand through Rin's chest. A large part of himself says he's undeserving. After everything he's done to Obito, he doesn't deserve the boy's affection. But to think, to think about those roses and Obito's exclamation that they hadn't been for Rin, makes him remember the way his jealousy wound its way around his heart. But he's still undeserving, so he lets them stew in silence. He wants to ask about Rin, even though he knows that she's gone. He just doesn't want to force Obito to admit that she's gone. Neither of them need to talk about it, but he suddenly inherits Obito's preference for word vomit. 

"I'm sorry, Obito. I'm sorry for everything I said to you, everything I did to you. I'm sorry about Kannabi. I'm so sorry about Rin. I didn't -- I couldn't -- stop. I, I'm _so sorry_ ," he says, grabbing Obito's hands, squeezing them just as he'd squeezed Obito's hand at Kannabi. 

"It's not your fault. None of it is your fault," Obito tries to say, but Kakashi interrupts him. 

"It is my fault! I hurt you! I, I killed her! Don't just forgive me! I don't deserve it!"

"I forgive you."

"No. No, no, no," Kakashi whispers, drawing away from Obito.

Obito is stubborn and stupid and desperate, so he decides to throw himself at Kakashi and hope for the best. The landing is hard and the hug is awkward, but it's enough. Kakashi cries into Obito's neck, holding onto him until they both gasp for air. And Obito doesn't call him a crybaby, doesn't blame him or hate him or wish him dead too. He looks at Obito and sees forgiveness, and he thinks that maybe he feels some way about that too. He sees Rin, feels the way her bones dragged against his hand and forearm, feels the blood on his hand, between his fingers, and he takes a shuddering breath and hides his face in Obito's neck. Obito is brave again. Obito is strong, stronger than him, and he needs it -- he realizes that maybe he's always needed it. He's twelve and his world shifts ninety degrees to the right.

"You're alive," Kakashi manages, pulling back to see Obito's face. He traces his fingers over the scars on Obito's face and thinks the boy has never been more beautiful. Obito shifts so that he's sitting in front of Kakashi, both of them sitting crisscross on the bed. "What happened?"

"Someone saved me. He's not a good man though," Obito says, pulling up the sleeve of his right arm to show the patches of white. "I'm not all me anymore."

"I don't care. You're alive."

"You don't care?"

"I don't care."

Reaching forward, Kakashi grabs Obito's arms and draws the boy in again, clinging to him. If he's holding on too tight, Obito doesn't complain. They're twelve and alone and not alone at the same time. When Minato visits them, he stares at the two of them and smiles, as if he knows something, as if they are entirely transparent. Minato stays with them for a few hours and shares some details with them about the search for Madara, the man responsible for saving Obito's life. Kakashi both thanks the man and curses the man. Minato leaves, and Obito leaves, but Obito keeps coming back, breaking hospital protocol by bringing him all types of food, from takeout to homemade meals, and Kakashi wonders when Obito finds the time to cook. The last meal Kakashi has in the hospital is teriyaki salmon and cauliflower and kale salad. They remember better times and promise to be better for one another. Because they're alone without being alone. And twelve, while Obito soon turns thirteen.

"I don't want to lose you too," Obito says one night. They're in the park then, both of them sitting on a bench, both of them thinking of the last time Sakumo collected them. At first, Kakashi doesn't understand, because he's never going anywhere. He knows there will never be another Kannabi.

"I'm right here."


	2. Thirteen.

_He's thirteen and running away, always running away, because he's vulnerable in a way that he hasn't been in seven years._

He realizes he's scared too. He decides that over a traditional breakfast, Obito sitting across from him, gorging on trout. He's thirteen and still just as lost as before. The nightmares come and go, but Obito shows up every morning to cook breakfast. They keep the routine. Every day. Every morning. And Kakashi is thankful, so very thankful, even if he doesn't say it to Obito. It's a whirlwind of breakfast and training and missions and dinner, and they share dinner too, with their former sensei, his wife, and their former classmates. It's such a busy affair, and the guests vary depending on the day. Obito always finds a way to drag Gai into the apartment though, even after Kakashi says that he doesn't like Gai. Because he's good for Kakashi, and both remember when their fathers introduced them. So Kakashi silently thanks Obito for that too.

"You have that mission today, right?" Obito talks while he has food in his mouth, despite the number of times Kakashi tells him to swallow before he speaks. Saying that just has Obito flirtatiously saying he would be happy to swallow for him. And that's awkward. "Hey. You spaced out," Obito laughs.

"Your table manners disgust me."

"Maybe you should teach me a lesson."

"You're punishing me for walking in on you in the shower, aren't you?"

"Did you like what you saw?" Obito smirks at him and he throws his chopsticks like senbon, easily hitting Obito in the chest. Obito whines that it hurt and throws the chopsticks back, purposely missing Kakashi's face. Kakashi toys with the idea of responding, knowing that Obito likes to appear brave but blushes like the closet submissive he is.

"I did. You should show me again," Kakashi says, his face revealing nothing. Obito chokes on his rice and pounds on his chest to dislodge the food. The rice lands in a clump on the table and Kakashi sighs.

Kakashi doesn't say it, but he likes the breakfasts they share more than anything else. Their time together reassures him that Obito is alright, that the boy returns from missions and training and doesn't die, doesn't disappear, because he doesn't think he could recover from something like that, not again. Their time together ends and they part on two separate missions. Obito has yet to make jonin, though he is up for evaluation for a field promotion, and Kakashi hides away in ANBU, where he can look after everyone he holds dear. He tells himself what Obito doesn't know won't hurt him, but Kakashi also knows Obito would demand he quit. So he remains quiet, choosing to shove that discussion aside for a later date. 

The missions pass by, one right after another, and all of the blood on his hands runs right off, even though the feeling of filth remains. He's thirteen when he casually mentions that Obito can stay the night, and it turns into Obito staying over every night, leaving them both to question why Obito bothers with keeping an apartment. But they skip over the discussion. They are thirteen and not interested in gaining an official roommate, even if they do everything that roommates do. He's thirteen when Obito gets injured during a mission and Kakashi spends the next month and a half babying Obito, even though Obito insists he's fine, even though they bicker over the treatment. Because Kakashi is so scared and it was such a close call, even though it was only a kunai to the thigh. For him, it was a near-death experience.

Obito stops visiting for three days, until Kakashi admits his feelings, and suddenly Obito is over all of the time, constantly bouncing back and forth between his apartment and Kakashi's apartment. Blunt as he is, Genma catches Obito leaving one morning and asks if he and Kakashi are dating, which causes Obito to turn and run away. Genma tells Kakashi later and Kakashi sets the teen straight, but they both laugh at Obito's reaction. He's thirteen, and the world is much bigger than he once thought. Life for them isn't back to normal, but it's very close.


	3. Fourteen.

_He's fourteen when the conversation comes up, and all his avoidance techniques can't save him._

It's late when Kakashi finally sneaks into his apartment. He returns from missions at odd hours, but he doesn't know the time. He disappears and reappears and Obito doesn't mind at all, except he's sitting on Kakashi's sofa, arms crossed, scowling. Kakashi forgets to breath, then he turns to try and climb back out the window. Obito grabs him around the waist and physically drags him through the window and into the living room. His ANBU mask clatters to floor and he knows Obito wants to stomp on it, so he quickly sweeps it up. The two stare at one another for too long, until Obito's expression shifts and Kakashi sees the hurt. He's been taking too many missions, avoiding breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. He spends months running away without running away, and he knows his time is up. He's fourteen when Obito learns he's in ANBU.

Obito drags him into a hug. Obito buries his face into Kakashi's neck and both of them stand there, unable to say what they need to say. Kakashi runs a hand through Obito's hair and Obito presses his lips against Kakashi's neck, and they have never done that sort of thing before, so Kakashi freezes. His heart leaps into his throat, but he recovers and holds Obito to himself with both arms instead of one, because it's meaningful and it's Obito, and that's alright. Obito doesn't ask about ANBU, and Kakashi supplies no excuses and no explanations. Obito pulls back and places a hand over Kakashi's cheek. He's never shown Obito his face, and he has no plans to, until Obito leans in and presses a kiss to his cheek. He contemplates moving the mask, but Obito turns him around and shoves him backwards. He stumbles into the couch, legs hitting the front and sending him onto the cushions. He looks at Obito, waiting for something to happen, and Obito starts pacing, chattering away about worries and problems and breakfasts.

"Slow down," Kakashi finally says, completely over trying to make sense of the rambling. Obito turns to look at him and he sees the fear in Obito's dark eye. "I'm alright," he explains, worrying that he is responsible for the fear.

"I love you," Obito says, voice even, hopeful, fragile. 

Obito says _love_ and all he hears is _loss_. He knows not to run; he knows enough to know that running would hurt Obito and he doesn't want to hurt Obito. It's the last thing he wants to do. But the word lingers in the air, waiting for a return, waiting for him to utter the same. He wonders how and when. How can Obito love him? When did this start? His silence hurts Obito though, and he sees the man raising the proverbial walls. He holds out his hands, silently urging Obito to come closer, to take his hands, and the boy does. He's fourteen and way too young for this shit. Love and loss go hand-in-hand, and he knows, with every fiber of his being, that he doesn't want to lose Obito. So he prays to a higher power not to take Obito from him, anyone but Obito, and then Obito is straddling his lap and he rests his head against Obito's shoulder.

"You don't have to say it back. I know you're emotionally repressed," Obito teases, and it's enough for Kakashi not to growl in warning, sinking to that feral level they know from childhood. "I do love you."

"I believe you," Kakashi says, moving so that he could see Obito's face again. Obito licks his lips, clearly nervous. 

"Can I kiss you?" Obito whispers the question and Kakashi decides that he likes Obito's hesitation. Something so simple has Obito unsure and it's adorable.

Kakashi wonders how long Obito planned to catch him at such an hour. His mission had been simple, no bloodshed, so he nods. Obito looks at the mask, so Kakashi reaches up to lower the mask. He frowns at Obito's open mouth, unsure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. He expects hesitation and uncertainty, but Obito attacks him with clumsy kisses. He's fourteen when he gets his first kiss, and it's Obito.


	4. Fifteen.

_He's fifteen when a new recruit appears, looking and sounding like his Obito, so he knows he can't run anymore._

He doesn't know what to think of his new recruits, except there's something very, very familiar about Bear, and he's absolutely positive that it's Obito. Just the thought has him flying from anger to acceptance in one quick second, but he holds his tongue and pretends that he doesn't recognize Obito, even if Obito does everything but scream his own name. Sometimes, Kakashi wants to slap the boy, so he beats Obito into the ground during suicide drills and spars, secretly wishing the boy would quit. Instead, he gets a skilled second-in-command and the exhaustion accompanying the increased risk of danger. But he realizes too late that he can't run anymore, that Obito boxes him in and ruins the adrenaline and pleasure risking his life brings to him. With Obito, he's safe, and it's something he needs, like air, like water, like love. 

He's fifteen when he decides he's brave enough and ventures to Obito's room, the spare room, in the middle of the night. He slips into the room, leaving the door cracked to let some light into the room. Obito is already turning over to peer at him, all confusion, and Kakashi stops to reconsider his actions, even as Obito pulls back the covers. The bed is slightly larger than a twin bed, but Kakashi still presses himself against Obito. There's no questioning, no hesitation -- Obito kisses him. All they do is kiss, and they like to kiss, until Kakashi slips a hand beneath Obito's shirt and Obito stops kissing him and it's him kissing Obito, feverish kisses on Obito's lips, along Obito's jaw, until he shoves Obito down flat on the mattress. He straddles Obito's thighs and leans down to keep kissing, both hands disappearing beneath the white t-shirt. It's different touching Obito, when they don't normally explore. One of them always pulls back. 

"I don't want to stop," he says against Obito's collarbone. Obito lifts his hips to press himself against Kakashi and Kakashi responds by grinding against him. "Can I take your shirt off?"

"If you take yours off." Obito sits up a little to pull his own shirt off, then easily removes Kakashi's shirt. "I don't think I'm ready to go all of the way," Obito admits, "so can we do everything else?" Kakashi stops kissing Obito's chest and looks up at the boy. 

"Just tell me when to stop."

"Ok."

It's clumsy kisses and slow touches and Kakashi decides he likes being a shinobi, likes being an ANBU captain, but he likes kissing Obito, touching Obito, more than both of those things. Kakashi memorizes Obito's body, kissing from Obito's forehead down to Obito's legs, because Obito is beautiful and everything Kakashi wants -- he's everything Kakashi needs. And it's more than fine, so much more than fine. He's happy again, soaring, even though he's still in that bed. He pushes the covers aside but they tangle around their legs. He's high, oh so high, and Obito coaxes him down with slow motions and whispers of how beautiful is, and he says that it's handsome, not beautiful, but they're both beautiful while also being handsome. The night is the single best night of his life. 

He's fifteen when he decides he loves Obito, and it scares him, terrifies him, but he likes that.


	5. Sixteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Sexual content ahead.

_He's sixteen when Obito says he doesn't want to stop, and Kakashi decides he never wants to stop, even while their world comes to a sudden halt._

"I don't want to stop."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure."

They're both naked, and Kakashi doesn't know what to do, and Obito doesn't know what to do, so they both sit up, Kakashi still straddling Obito, hands still on Obito's chest. He's seen dirty magazines; he's read erotica. He doesn't think touching Obito is like that at all. There's always moaning and begging, but there aren't whips or chains or sex toys. It's just them, learning one another, what they like and don't like. Obito leans in and kisses him and he feels his heart swell. He tastes dango, but that's alright because he loves Obito, how he loves Obito, and he'll taste dango forever if it means kissing Obito.

"I love you," he chokes out, words a whisper against Obito's lips. He hears no _loss_ then, just love and love and love. Obito pulls back and stares at him and he doesn't know what to say, except to repeat it with more feeling. "I love you," he says again. And Obito reaches down to touch him and he moans it that time, because he realizes Obito likes hearing it, and he likes Obito touching him.

"I guess it's better than you saying it mid-orgasm," Obito comments, a silly smile on his face. 

Kakashi loves him and hates him then, so he bucks his hips, rising up to meet Obito's movements. They're kissing again and Obito tries to take control, but Kakashi thrives on control, so he pushes Obito back onto the bed and it's him leading, him listening to Obito moan his name, and it's so fucking sexy, way better than the other times they fool around. There's no stopping, and they don't know what to do, except they kind of do, so Obito surprises him with lube, from where he doesn't know. It's awkward at first, and he feels as if he's exploring Obito's body all over again. One finger. And there's the different feel of Obito around his digit. Two fingers. And Obito screws up his face, and Kakashi knows he's missing something, so he keeps trying. He pokes and prods until his tense boyfriend jerks, surprising them both. It's like trying to find the perfect spot, and he thinks it's no different than searching for it with a woman. It's two fingers poking at that spot over and over, spreading, spreading, until Obito tells him to stop.

"I don't want to, you know," Obito says. Obito hates the word cum, even though Kakashi makes him cum frequently. They decide not to name it. Names mean nothing to Kakashi when he touches Obito. They can call it nothing and he's still just as happy. "I want you inside," Obito manages to say, brows drawn together, a fierce scowl in place.

"Don't look so happy about it," Kakashi rolls his eyes, leaning in to kiss Obito. When they kiss, Kakashi hits that spot again and Obito gasps and writhes and he knows that his search is done. "Tell me if it hurts."

"It hurts."

"I haven't even touched you. Take this seriously."

"Fine."

Kakashi is a little nervous, more than a little nervous, and Obito tries to encourage him with a ridiculous thumbs up that causes Kakashi to groan. He rubs the lube over his cock and it's cold at first, but he strokes himself once, twice, until it's warm. Impatient Obito waits for him, so Kakashi rewards Obito by lining up and slowly, very slowly, pushing into him. It's hot and tight, a little too tight, so he tells Obito to relax, which is not the thing to say, because Obito huffs at him and says he should try being violated. He strokes Obito a few times as if he actually thinks he's punishing his boyfriend, all while he eases all the way inside. It's different, a lot different.

"Wait. Give me a minute," Obito requests. Kakashi stops and runs his hands along the outside of Obito's thighs. "Ok, ok," Obito manages to say, giving him a firm nod. 

Kakashi pulls back and slowly moves his hips forward, the slow, easy thrust much more enjoyable than the first one. He goes slow, as if he's afraid to break Obito, which is ridiculous, he knows, because Obito is an absolute threat in the field, more than capable, but it's Obito and it's their first time, and he's trying so hard to make it memorable for all the right reasons. Genma brags about his conquests when with him, always encouraging him to give it a try, just give it a try, like sex is the holy grail. Genma treats it like enlightenment. And Kakashi finally understands, when he buries himself deep in Obito, aiming for the sweet spot to earn those moans. He's slow still, gentle, and he's aching to move faster, but he doesn't know what to say. Asking to thoroughly ruin Obito by fucking him into the mattress isn't romantic, not something to be remembered. But he's sixteen and horny and close to giving in to his desires. 

"I know you're holding back. Go faster."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"I'm not made of glass. Fuck me like you mean it or I'm flipping you over and showing you how it's done."

Kakashi blinks at him a few times, then he draws himself out, the tip barely inside, and thrusts forward in one harsh move that causes the bed to knock against the wall. Obito bites his lip as if he's holding back laughter, so Kakashi decides it's time to explore again. He thrusts in again and again, eyes shut, focusing on both finding Obito's sweet spot and postponing his own orgasm. He refuses to cum first. He pulls all the way out and buries himself in Obito and he finally, finally hits something that has Obito's toes curling. It's a small victory, but he takes no time to celebrate. He draws it out as punishment for laughing; he draws it out because Obito sounds amazing. He begs for Kakashi to go faster and harder. And Kakashi does, though he waits until just the right moment. He can't focus on anything but the pleasure. He knows he should touch Obito more, as Obito quickly starts stroking himself, motions jerky at best. Obito completely comes undone, a long, low moan stretching out just for him, and he lets go too, thrusting to ride it out.

They stay still for several moments, until Kakashi slowly pulls back, then they become boneless. He likes sex -- he likes sex a lot -- and he learns that Obito likes to cuddle. In the afterglow, Obito curls against him and he runs a hand along Obito's back, fingers dancing along Obito's spine. Even though Obito wants to stay there, Kakashi forces him up. Sex is messy. Kakashi doesn't regret not using a condom, but he thinks it would be easier next time to experiment with one. They kiss in the bedroom, kiss all the way to the bathroom, and kiss in the shower. Because Obito says that sex is the best and they should do it all of the time. He hears that they should christen every part of the apartment. The kitchen. The living room. The shower, where they waste so much time kissing that they have to hurry through cleaning up before the water goes cold. 

"Move in with me." Obito is lying against him, so he speaks against the nape of Obito's neck. Obito likes that they spoon, so he pulls Obito flesh against him and rubs circles on Obito's stomach.

"Like give up my apartment?" Obito doesn't say anything else, so Kakashi kisses the back of Obito's neck. They smell fresh and clean.

"Yeah." Obito shifts around until they are face to face, so they can't hide anymore -- Obito never lets him hide anymore. For a moment, he thinks that Obito is going to turn him down, so he chooses logic to win his boyfriend over. Boyfriend. The word makes him feel pretty damn good. "You're already here a lot. I think we're old enough. It would save us money. If you want space, you can keep your room."

"This is a pretty big step."

"We just had sex. That's a pretty big step too."

"It was great too," Obito sighs, a happy sigh that has Kakashi chuckling. Obito reaches out to run a hand along his cheek, thumb brushing over his beauty mark. "I have to let my landlord know."

He's sixteen when Obito catches him, and he's happy, truly happy. He's sixteen, and he promises not to run anymore.


	6. Seventeen.

_He's seventeen when the world makes sense again, when the nightmares finally stop, and he decides he's better than ok -- he's perfect._

He's seventeen when Obito leaves the spare room and moves into his room. They get a better bed, a bigger bed, and they decorate the room with pictures of their team, pictures of their friends, pictures of their family. They share breakfasts and lunches and dinners whenever they can, and when they can't, they remember to make up for lost time. By that point, Minato has two sons, Naruto and Menma, and Kushina is pregnant with the third, and Obito brings up the fact that they're multiplying like rabbits. He's seventeen when one punch from Kushina sends Obito to the hospital. He laughs at Obito and Obito makes him sleep on the couch for three days, until he wakes up one morning with Obito crammed onto the couch with him. And it's all forgiven. 

"Do you think about kids?" Obito asks over breakfast, so he chokes on his eggs and spends the next few minutes coughing. Obito waits for him to recover, not repeating the question at all.

"We watch Naruto and Menma, so yes." He plays stupid, but Obito knows he's playing stupid.

"That's not what I mean." He knows that, but he gives Obito a blank stare, just hoping the expression will change the subject. He's wrong, of course. "Do you want a family? Have you thought about adopting?"

"I've never thought about it. I'm happy with just us. Do you want a family?"

"I'm happy with you too. Between Naruto cussing at us and Menma drawing turtles all over the walls, I'm a little over kids."

"No kids," Kakashi decides, relief evident in the way he smiles. Obito seems just as happy, so they end on the same page. 

He's seventeen when they end up babysitting for a whole weekend so Minato and Kushina can celebrate their wedding anniversary. Obito corrals the two kids into the living room, and Kakashi pries the crayons from Menma's hands. They stand before the kids and try to decide what to do with them, both kids doing nothing but returning their stares. Obito decides they should read a story to the boys, so Kakashi tries to find a kid-friendly book in the diaper bag Kushina left. Menma wants turtles and Naruto wants princesses, so Obito picks dinosaurs. Obito sits down between the kids and Kakashi sits next to Naruto, and they spend the next hour reading, where they answer dozens of stupid questions and try to keep Menma from ripping out the pages of the book. Kakashi is glad they don't want kids.

Three weeks pass, then Obito gets a summon to see Minato, and Kakashi decides not to tag along. He knows what it's about. Minato wants to promote Obito to ANBU captain and gift the boy a team of his own. Kakashi thinks Obito is more than ready, even though he wants to keep Obito on Team Ro, where he can watch over his boyfriend. Obito throws open the door to the apartment, races inside, and tackles Kakashi to the floor. Obito buzzes with excitement and Kakashi can't help the smile spreading across his face.

"I'm going to have my own team!"

"I'm happy for you."

"I'm going to be team captain!"

"I'm still happy for you."

"We're going out to celebrate!" Obito finally rolls off of him and helps him to his feet, and he tugs Obito in for a kiss. They spend the night celebrating, and they end the night with sex, both of them all too eager to be in one another's arms.

He's seventeen when he loves, and time goes and goes and there's no loss.


	7. Nineteen.

_He's nineteen when he has his shit together and he thinks that he's old enough and wise enough to plan long term._

He's nineteen when he's sure that he wants to spend the rest of his life with Obito. It's a wise decision on his part. There are benefits for married couples, and he thinks he can sell love and marriage with a promise of a piece of paper. He's wrong. Of course he's wrong.

"Would you just say what you want to say? You aren't making sense, Kakashi." Obito sits at the kitchen table, arms crossed. He looks thoroughly confused, and Kakashi knows he isn't explaining himself properly. 

He decides to skip his informative speech and go with the blunt approach, because that's what he's best at, in the end. "Will you marry me?"

They're in their pajamas and it's eleven o'clock at night, so the timing isn't ideal and the setting isn't ideal, but he thinks that Obito appreciates the question more than those details. Obito's facial expressions range from suspicion to surprise to uncertainty, and then Obito jumps out of his chair so fast that it crashes to the floor. Obito tackles Kakashi and they both end up on the floor, Kakashi with the air leaving him. He's nineteen when he proposes, and he thinks things can't get better, but he's wrong again, because they do.

"Yes! Is that why Gai has been stopping by three times a day?"

"In hindsight, I shouldn't have told him. He just wanted to celebrate with us, so I waited until I thought he wouldn't stop by."

"Wise choice."

"How do you feel about it?" He's not sure, and he needs reassurances. Someone like him, a murderer, a friend-killer, doesn't deserve a happy ending, but he decides that it's alright because it's not an ending at all.

"Hatake Obito," Obito tests out, expression thoughtful. Kakashi loses his breath again. He doesn't think the name could sound any better. There would be another Hatake. "I like it," Obito decides, smiling brightly.

"Not Uchiha Kakashi?"

"Hell no."

They laugh together, then they finally get to their feet, and Obito is quick to pick him up and carry him bridal style into their bedroom. He stares at Obito, a little grumpy about their arrangement, until Obito drops him on the bed and starts tugging at his clothes. And they touch and touch until they're both naked, exposing themselves to one another, as they have so many times before. Kakashi traces his hands along Obito's sides, purposely tickling Obito until the man bursts into laughter and squirms away from him. Sex may be messy, but it's so much fun, and they're always changing, trying new positions, touching and kissing in different ways every time. Sometimes, he lets Obito fuck him, but it's still him in control, so he doesn't mind at all. 

"Say it again."

"Marry me."

Obito, still so happy, half gone, at that point, sighs, and Kakashi feels the same way. He kisses Obito and tastes jasmine tea and the promise of a bright future together. And it's no different than thirty minutes ago, but it's all different. They make love, and that's different too. They know one another so well that there is no fumbling for just the right angle. Kakashi tries to hold out as long as he can, but Obito feels so good around him, beneath him, holding him. He thinks that he loves Obito more than any other person in his entire life, though he keeps it to himself, at least until they finish. Clean and content, Obito tucks himself against Kakashi's side and rests his head on Kakashi's chest, just so that he can hear the steady thump of Kakashi's heartbeat. 

"I love you," Kakashi says. It's much easier to say the words. Practice makes admitting it easier. But it's true, so true. He no longer struggles with love; there is no _loss_ for them.

He's nineteen when he files the marriage paperwork, nineteen when their friends attend a small ceremony at the Naka shrine. It's traditional, but Obito wants to follow along with clan tradition, and Kakashi obliges, because he doesn't have a clan -- one person doesn't make a clan. Obito makes two though, so they have the perfect number to become a clan, the Hatake clan, and they share their enthusiasm in their own ways. Obito brags to anyone willing to listen, while Kakashi quietly accepts congratulations, doing his best to appear humble and thankful, even though he wants to rip Obito's clothes off right there. He likes risky sex, but Obito refuses to have sex in public. It's a shame, really. So Kakashi sighs to himself and watches Gai collect monetary gifts from the guests. Gai may not be his father, but Gai means so much that Kakashi insisted he be included in the ceremony, so Gai goes around to every group to make sure they are enjoying themselves. It's the reception and most people drown themselves in sake, so serious speeches become strings of dirty jokes, and Obito enjoys himself even more when Genma congratulates them on not being blushing virgins anymore. It's nothing but fun.

He's nineteen and so in love; he's nineteen when Obito doesn't come home.


	8. Twenty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning.

_He's twenty, and Obito still doesn't come home, and time goes and goes. Obito doesn't come home._

He's twenty when he stops checking with the gate chunin. They never tell him what he wants to hear, and he tires of seeing pity in their eyes. There's no hospital bed, no ashes to spread, just the hole in his chest and all the memories of being okay again. He thinks _love_ but he knows _loss_. He can't help quietly repeating "I told you so," until the ache is too great and it's all he can do to get out of bed again, the bed that is suddenly too big. He starts sleeping on the couch, preserving the room and all the memories made inside, because if he leaves the room the same, he still feels Obito there. He's twenty and there's loss, loss, loss, the feeling all consuming. Unreachable, he drapes himself in depression and basks in his own loneliness. But people keep stopping by, leaving food, leaving notes, and he feels them fighting for him, even when he doesn't fight for himself. 

He's twenty when he finally decides to give up. He convinces Minato that he can handle a solo mission, and he's so convincing that he gets exactly what he wants. Kakashi almost feels bad for Minato, for all of the friends who once felt like family. He knows he's a coward, but he understands so well why his father chose death. Death doesn't leave him food or notes or missions. In the evening, with the village asleep, he lies awake and listens to the whispers of death. Death becomes release, and maybe he deserves it. Maybe he finally deserves it.

He takes an S-rank mission into Kumogakure to intercept the unit bearing Hizashi's corpse. It's a quiet job, just in and out, but it's his very last mission. He dodges and dodges, until he doesn't anymore. Pain overwhelms him, but it's quickly gone. He thinks that they're cruel to leave him to choke to death on his own blood, but he also thinks he deserves it. He deserves no mercy, no swift death. He's so sorry that he doesn't get Hizashi's corpse, but he knows the eyes will be destroyed before the foreign shinobi ever get the chance to touch them. Hiashi will know what it feels like to have an empty grave, and maybe it's wrong of Kakashi to be so selfish, but he's ready for death. Someone else can worry about the consequences on his actions. Someone else can make an empty grave for him. He's twenty when he dies, but there's nothing waiting for him, no afterlife, no heaven or hell, no hint of anything beyond the darkness. 

He fails, and isn't it just like him to fail. He wakes up in the hospital, and he comes to the conclusion that he's in Konoha again. He's kicking and screaming and berating himself, all while staring silently at the far wall. There's no Obito at his bedside, no nest of blankets and pillows. He gets flowers he's allergic to and a "get well" card which is stuck to a stuffed dog. The dog looks like Pakkun. He's equal parts exhaustion and disappointment, and he swears some higher power wants him to lead a life of suffering, sweet release always just out of reach. 

He's twenty and so, so tired, but he wakes up every day he's in the hospital, and disappointment is all he knows. He's twenty and there's no Obito and he decides he'll do his best to try harder next time. Sometimes suicide requires multiple attempts before someone gets it just right.


	9. Twenty-One.

_He's still in the hospital, so he celebrates his twenty-first birthday by complaining of pain that doesn't exist. He gets sleeping pills._

He's twenty-one and feels closer to forty-five. But he wakes up and talks to doctor after doctor about his mental health and his determination to live, even though it's all bullshit. He thinks it's a lot easier to sleep the days away, until he wakes up one morning to his window opening. A stranger easily climbs through the window and goes to the visitor's chair. Kakashi stares at the mask that's a simple orange mask with a spiral pattern and a lone hole for a single eye. He doesn't care much for visitors, so he turns his back to the stranger, hoping that the person will stab him and take all of the pain away. He's twenty-one and so done with the world. He feels a hand on his back, but he doesn't have it in him to fight. The person rubs little circles on his back, hand warm against his chilly skin.

"I'm sorry I took so long."

Kakashi doesn't know what to think, what to feel, even as his heart breaks over and over and over. For several minutes, he thinks he's losing his mind, that he's nothing but hallucinations and emptiness. He feels the bed dip and he glances over his shoulder at the mask. There's a black cloak with red clouds, marking him as Akatsuki, and suddenly everything makes sense without making sense. He's twenty-one and he should be happy, but he's still sad, angry, hurt -- there are too many adjectives and not enough time to unpack all of his emotions. For hours, he stays still, still asking himself if the hand rubbing his back is real or simply a manifestation of his own desire. 

"Please look at me."

"I buried you."

"I'm not dead. I'm so sorry, Kakashi." Obito climbs into bed with him and tugs him close, so his back is against Obito's chest. It's real -- Kakashi believes it then -- but he chooses silence over a response. "I came back. I'm here. I needed the mission. I had to get closure. Please just say something."

"You let me think you were dead. What the hell do you want from me?"

"How about an explanation for the psych evaluation."

"You don't get to show up and judge me. You _disappeared_."

Obito drapes an arm over his waist and squeezes him, as if that makes up for everything. They don't move for hours, both of them eventually dozing off. They sleep late into the afternoon. Obito smells like smoke and dry blood, but Kakashi still holds Obito's arm, reminding himself that it's real, that Obito's real. He's not whole yet -- he's not happy -- but relief washes over him and takes the anger away. He's twenty-one and all he knows is the comfort from Obito's hugs. And it's so easy to forget that fateful mission to Kumogakure. He buries the truth deep within himself, and he passes the psych evaluation, even though Minato and Kushina and Obito think he isn't ready for clearance. But they don't _understand_ what it's like to lose the sun, what it's like to know nothing but endless night. He's so, so tired, so he forces Obito to take afternoon naps with him. He isn't brave enough to kiss, but eventually he is brave enough, and he wonders how he survived so long without them. 

"Do you forgive me?" Obito asks in between kisses because Kakashi refuses to stop kissing him. They have time to make up for and they're willing and able. Kakashi backs him into the kitchen wall and kicks one of Obito's feet to spread his legs. Kakashi dips a hand between them and teases Obito through his pants. "I guess that's a yes?"

"Mm. Nope." Kakashi smirks and Obito grinds against his leg. He pulls back and wags a finger at Obito, silently scolding his stupid, sexy husband. Obito tries to argue, but Kakashi firmly grips Obito's ass and easily lifts the man up. They move from the kitchen to the bedroom, their bedroom, and the bed that is too big but suddenly perfect for the two of them. Two. Not one. "You have time to apologize," Kakashi says, dumping Obito onto the bed. 

"Ugh, how much time? Does sex add more time?"

"Forever."

"You mean you don't want to leave me?"

Kakashi kisses Obito, wanting to end the questions, answering without really answering. He slowly undresses Obito, because it's their first time all over again, meaningful in its own way. He kisses down Obito's chest, tongue darting out to tease, to taste. He kisses Obito's thighs and the man mumbles the word _tease_ , but he hears _love_. He swears there will be no _loss_ , not anymore, never again.

Sex is slow, every movement just as meaningful as their kisses. Obito doesn't ask him to go faster, and he would refuse anyway. He goes so deep into Obito that they seem like one person, even if only for brief moment after brief moment. He's twenty-one, and he swears his ending is a happy ending. They cuddle, clean and comfortable and content, and it's Kakashi kissing Obito's left shoulder over and over. Obito is real, very real, and they pick up where they left off, even though they carry heavy baggage, even though they are broken. Together, they are whole. And Kakashi knows love, love, love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story was supposed to end on the last chapter, but a friend of mine challenged me to write a happy ending, so here it is.


End file.
